Friday, July 22, 2011

Laila: No really, it doesn't bother me at all!

As we shifted from strictly focusing on Agreement numero uno: Being Impeccable to Agreement number two: Don’t Take it Personally, I have to admit I was a little smug. Contrary to my fellow blogger, I have professed loudly that I really have no problem taking anything personally, so this one would be a piece of cake.  Indeed.  Then an e-mail landed in my inbox that made me stop and reflect, and I wasn’t too pleased at my initial reaction. So it seems said “piece of cake” has actually turned into humble pie – and so my tale begins….

I receive e-mails from a studio where I completed my Reiki Master training. These e-mails inform me of upcoming events, classes, new hires.  During my training, I had high hopes that were echoed by my instructor, of beginning my practice in the studio when I was all done. But by the time I completed my training, I realized that that particular studio was not the most ideal fit for my personality.  Fortunately for me I never had to deal with turning them down because my practicing there was never brought up again – which at the time was fine.  Maybe they also felt it wasn’t the right fit. 
Then, a few months later, for some strange reason I reconsidered – maybe it was a good venue after all and maybe I was just being weird about the whole thing – so I inquired about it and was told my message would be passed along to my instructor.  I can’t say as to whether or not she received the message, I can say no one ever called me back.  Apparently, there is no way to speak to my former instructor directly unless you have an appointment.  A paying appointment that is (oops, not impeccable).

They say your first instinct is usually the right one, so why is it that after I made that decision not to pursue working there, that I get annoyed when I see their e-mails, as if they rejected me?  One would think I would just unsubscribe, but that would be admitting that I was taking it personally (gasp!).  I believe all things happen for a reason, and if something is meant to be it will work out. But I guess in this case I wanted to be the one to ultimately have the final say, to control things no doubt, and certainly not something anyone practicing Reiki should fixate on – interesting lesson all around. 
I think I will continue to subscribe to their e-mail list, as my little reminder to not take things personally. And my barometer to gauge how evolved I have become will be the day when I can open one of these studio e-mails and exclaim without a hint of sarcasm “I wonder what interesting things they have going on this month?”  We shall see…….

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Liz: Part 2: Don't Take Anything Personally

It's hard to believe we're already more than 3 months into this project.  We started out with the intent to follow the four agreements for a year, focusing on one every three months.  We've been trying to use impeccable words since March.  I have been surprised that there are so many angles to that challenge, so many questions about the way we live arise when we try to speak and think impeccably.

Now, for me, comes an even greater challenge:  Don't take anything personally.  Ruiz writes about this second of the four agreements that no matter what another person does or says to you or about you, it is not  to be taken personally.  This is because, Ruiz argues, everyone is the protagonist in their own drama, the star of their own movie.  We are nothing but secondary characters.  Ruiz says that to take another's actions as personal attacks is to assume that we are more important to their life drama than we actually are.  And taking things personally also inhibits our own ability to live our own lives, and to make decisions based on our own understanding of truth and love.

If ever there was a challenge for me, it is this one.  I take the weather personally, for crying out loud!  If there is a bad mood in a meeting, or a party that isn't fun, I believe it is not only my fault but my responsibility to make it right.  My personality has become larger than life with my continual efforts to arrange circumstances so that everyone I meet will be happy, or at least will like and respect me.  Oh sure, I've learned to speak a hard truth or to make the unpopular decision in my vocation,  but don't think it doesn't tear me up inside.  I recently had to tell a man he was fired from his job and probably would not work in his chosen profession again. I did the job as well as anyone could, but inside I was thinking, "how can I get out of this and still be likeable to this person?  How can I make him smile?"  I realize this is absurd, the desperate thoughts of a person who does not want to dispense consequences (however well deserved) for fear of how she herself will be judged.

This type of thinking is debilitating.  And at its root is the fact that I do, indeed, take nearly everything personally.  It's going to be a long three months, but hopefully, I'll learn some things along the way that bring some relief to my desperation to please.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Honesty: Such a lonely word or impeccable word?

Recently a friend/neighbor of mine hosted her son and his family for 10 days. Now it is my opinion, and my opinion only, that having houseguests for 10 days, regardless if you get along or not, might be a tad taxing on the host. In this particular situation, the hostess and the daughter-in-law had a history of some issues in the “can’t we all just get along” category. Add 3 kids under the age of 4 to the mix and to quote Timon from the Lion King “Disasters in the aiiiiirrrrr…..”

Having young children myself, I arranged to do a few things with DIL and her kiddos to benefit my kids with instant playmates and to benefit my neighbor with some alone time.  During some of the time I spent with DIL and her kids I sensed she was testing the waters, so to speak, to gauge the depth of my friendship with her mother in law. She let a few comments sneak out from time to time, bordering on complaining, but always backed it up with “don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my in-laws..”  Suuuuuure you are. Oops, was that impeccable?  So anyway the more time I spent with her the more comfortable she felt in venting.  It can be hard to stay happy and upbeat when all that negative crap is flying around you in passive aggressive ways, and at one point I did venture into the realm of unsolicited advice, but I prefaced it with “What really reduces any stress for me surrounding the kids when we visit the in-laws is my philosophy that as long as they are not being put in immediate danger, pretty much anything goes. If Grandma and Grandpa want to spoil them – go for it!”   She actually seemed to consider it for a moment, but feedback later in the week told me otherwise.  Of course all of the frustration during the week between the two probably could have been alleviated by an honest conversation.

I am certainly not here to judge anyone else on their parenting techniques, as mother’s we put enough pressure on ourselves already!  But I do believe in open and honest communication, especially as a way to set an example for your kids. I know from my own experience that it can be painful to consider those honest chats, and the alternative of grinning (or grimacing) and bearing it might seem more attractive in the short term, but then I remember the little faces of my kids as they watch and learn.  They do not miss a gesture, a sigh, or a look.  And since one of my big goals in this experiment is to have all of these agreements become second nature enough that they are effortlessly passed down to the kiddos, I take a deep breath and take that uncomfortable step and attempt to address whatever the situation might be with as much grace (or wine) as I can muster. And in the end, more so then not, I am always happy that I did.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

When Impeccable Hits the Fan

Every once in awhile one comes to a point in a the chronicling of a life journey when the crisis at hand is such that you are unable to make some poetic beauty out of it.  This is my situation, and the reason it's taken me so long to write this entry.  I am up against a wall with impeccability and just don't know what to do.  I realize now how very much I want to have all my problems neatly wrapped up so I can blog about them and appear wise.  But in this case, I honestly don't know how to behave, or what is impeccable, and worry I'm not up to the challenge.

The problem is jealousy.  Let's put it this way:  I applied for something I really, really wanted.  A friend also did (at my urging!)  I did not get this thing I wanted, but she did.  The actual situation is more complicated than this, but the spirit of how I feel about it is this simple.  

I really want wonderful things for my friend and her family. I love her and want happiness for her.  But at the same time I am devastated at my own loss, and the rejection I feel.  I feel angry, hurt, humiliated, upset, stupid, belittled.

I know that this gain for her is wonderful and it will be something she will be happy about.  But it is the last subject I want to discuss with her or anybody else.  How can I be impeccable in this moment?  If I say, "I don't want to talk about that subject."  then there is something between us that can't be spoken.  From experience I know that when there are subjects that can't be discussed between friends the friendship is eroded over time.  I don't want that in this case.  On the other hand, if she talks about it I will feel resentment.  I know it's not her fault that I was rejected.  But I also know that I am human and my resentment over the loss will spill over onto her.  I'm not proud of it, and I wish it wasn't so.

I have experienced similar situations in the past, and I'm ashamed to say they have often ended badly for the friendships involved.  I am determined that this not happen this time around.  How can impeccability help me here?  Honestly is good, to a point.  If she knows how I feel I know that she will honor and respect it, because she has a kind heart and a healthy outlook.  But beyond that, I will have to work through my own resentment without letting it ruin the friendship.  I will have to learn how to speak when necessary and shut up when my feelings become dark and unhelpful.  I will have to work on separating my hurt from my love for her.  Knowing myself the way I do, it will not be easy.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Laila: The State of Impeccable

I have noticed that when ensconced in the comfort and familiarity of my own little world, impeccability is a little easier to work on.  I have the same people in my life on a day to day basis for the most part, so I kind of know what to expect in any given situation. That’s not to say that I’m not thrown a curve ball every now and again, but overall things seem to kind of flow.  So I had been feeling pretty darn impeccable, and then I left on a 10 day trip to the West coast and the challenges began.

It almost seems like I gave myself a pass on the impeccable thing because I was out of my element, when in fact that was when I should have been paying the most attention to my behavior. It wasn’t so much my actions, more my thoughts. I was quick to judge (the loud person sitting behind me on the plane, the dainty former reality star and her rocker boyfriend in the park, the full on make-up mama in her cute workout outfit in the early a.m.).  Now that I am home I can reflect on each situation much more impeccably, but it bothers me that I can’t automatically do it in the now.  No matter how hokey it sounds, it would be nice to have those rose colored glasses on all the time. (Hmmm, sci-fi product idea...)
I have two more trips this summer that will take me to faraway and exotic places like Washington D.C. and Iowa, meaning I have two more opportunities to practice on the road impeccability. So I will be watching myself like a hawk, and will either A. rise to the challenge beautifully and more automatically or B. develop a split personality from the internal scrutiny and have to check myself into a “special facility” for some quiet time.   

Friday, May 20, 2011

Liz: Impeccable Speech and Bumper Sticker Politics

"President Obama is a Marxist Dictator."  This was the statement I saw on the back of a man's car a few weeks back.  I was picking up my daughter from dance rehearsal when I saw it.   Whoa.  That's a pretty serious accusation to have plastered to the hind-quarters of one's vehicle.   I saw the man getting into his car with his sweet daughter, who couldn't have been more than 5 years old.  I wonder if she'd tried to read it.  "Daddy, what's a Marxist?"  I wondered if he'd actually know the answer to that question.

It got me thinking about the prevalence of politically and religiously charged stickers on our cars. What purpose do they really serve?  Surely not to promote dialogue, otherwise we'd SAY these things in person rather than sticking them to the back part of our cars where we are unable to see the reactions they elicit from the people behind us.  Some may say they are a way to express ourselves, but is this form of expression healthy, or is it more divisive?  I thought about the humorous, yet politically charged bumper sticker I have on the back of our minivan.  Perhaps it's not the best witness I can give in today's polarized climate.

I think we've become a bumper sticker society, and to a large extent have lost the ability to argue well.  It is indeed easier to throw out a sound byte and then drive away like mad before anyone can react to our faces than it is to engage in true discussion with people who believe differently than we do.  Why is this?  I think, deep down, we are all afraid of having our minds changed.  Our statements appear perfectly formed and flawless in a vacuum, but throw in a voice of dissent and the argument can unravel quickly.
Best not to risk it; slap on a sticker and drive away.

I have recently been in conversation with many members of my denomination over our recent change in ordination standards.  Talk of it is everywhere:  in pastor support groups, on blogs, over emails with colleagues from seminary, on facebook, in coffee shops, Session meetings and church parking lots.  Some I have spoken with are in support of the changes, and some are opposed.   It is indeed a risky business to talk these matters out, but in my opinion it is necessary business.   It is only through the practice of speaking our differences with love that we will be able to overcome our bumper-sticker mentality and truly talk with one another again.

In this case, impeccability is found not in what we say but rather in how we say it.  Face to face, and not stuck to the back of the car.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Laila: Can You Overthink Impeccable?

I have made my way through half of a bag of delicious Lays Classic chips thinking of how to respond to two different friends about two entirely different issues.   I owe my greasy, salty fingertips (did I mention delicious?) to analyzing and overanalyzing imagined conversations with the impeccable filter on. I have even considered avoiding said conversations and putting off talking to these people until a later date. Of course then there is the fester factor and we all know that that will eventually end in tears or a really upset stomache preventing future consumption of aforementioned chips. 

Here is where I get stuck – in my mind I think “impeccable” has to equal “nice”, when in fact, as a great friend so recently reminded me, impeccable means being honest with yourself about your feelings, and thus the person you are talking to. And honest isn’t always rainbows and roses, but at least the delivery can be thoughtful.

I also realize these imagined conversations require way too much mental energy on my part. It’s almost like I formulate a game plan so I will be able to handle myself in a more impeccable manner then if I were to wing it.  “If she zigs, I’ll zag over here and make sure I say this!  But if she zags, hmmmm, maybe I zig and do this instead….oh the possibilities are endless!”  And then crinkle, crinkle, CRUNCH, CRUNCH – more chips.  I could save myself a lot of headache and calories by just having the actual conversations and taking my time to respond AFTER listening.

I know I cannot control how someone is going to react to my words, but I know that I can control how those words come out. I never go into a conversation intending to hurt feelings, but that is a risk when you are honest with yourself and with your words. If there needs to be more pauses in the conversation for me to focus on impeccability then so be it, I can do the two minute end of the soap opera scene stare with the best of them! So I am off to have those much needed conversations, as soon as I find the phone, which appears to be behind a delicious bag of salt and vinegar chips......riiiiiiip, CRUNCH CRUNCH, mmmmm.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Liz: How to Kill a Wolf

Here is where the rubber meets the road, as it were.  Today I face a real challenge with impeccability.  I have a colleague who has recently done something I despise.  This is not the first time we have disagreed, heatedly, on certain politically charged topics.  In my opinion he stands for hate in the name of Christ which is the most despicable combination I can think of.

At this point in time I am incapable of speaking eloquently about this person, or of sounding wise or hoping to lead folks into a sense of enlightenment through my words.  I am angry, angry to the point of perverse enjoyment over the hatred I feel for his actions.  I don't know if that makes sense.  Have you felt  a righteous anger against someone?  Have you ever been so sure you were right that to despise that person felt good, like scratching a bug bite until it starts bleeding again?  It is a self righteous hatred that some broken part of me wants to hold on to.  Moreover I want the world to know what he has done.  I want to text it, email it, post it on facebook.  I want to scream his name at God and say, "Do you SEE what this person does in your name?? Are you not PISSED OFF??"

And yet I know I must let it go.  I cannot live into hate, because then I am no better than this person, and my actions are equally abhorrant.  Neither can I spread news of my anger to people who know him.   The sick feeling I get inside from talking even to myself about him is reminiscent of a story we heard in preaching class in seminary long ago entitled, "How to Kill a Wolf."  It outlines in gruesome detail the way certain hunters use a bloodied knife to cause a wolf to kill himself by attempting to lick it clean.  The wolf cuts himself on the knife until he bleeds to death, and that's what our hatred does.  Righteous anger or not, it kills us from within, until our hatred mixes with the hatred of others and we become consumed.

And so I will pray.  I honestly don't know what else to do.   I don't ask for forgiveness for him or me, or for understanding, or anything rational because I'm not there yet.  I ask for peace, and for God to be in relationship with him so that I don't have to.  Not yet, anyway.  Maybe some day.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Laila: Well Who Asked You Anyway?

During my impeccable journey, I have begun to be more aware of my listening skills. I have always prided myself on being a good listener (I think it’s even on my resume), but had started to notice during some conversations I was slipping – I was interjecting my thoughts before the person I was talking to was done with their point. I was also offering unsolicited advice, and more often than not that advice had a negative edge to it. And I realized that there was rarely a time when I was having a conversation with someone in which they actually said “What do you think about that?”  I had gotten so used to just assuming that having a conversation with me meant they wanted my opinion that I would just burst out with it, and like I said before, often not even waiting for them to finish their thought because of course what I had to say was so important. One thing I do like about cell phones is that you can’t talk over the other person because if they are talking they can’t hear you.  But I digress. 
So, I started really paying attention to the dynamic of my conversations, phone and in person.  I decided that I would try to be more of an observer of the dialogue and less of a critic or problem solver.  It was very interesting, because I think I was so used to a give and take scenario for the most part that just listening was actually an act of self-control. Especially on a recent call when a relative revealed to me that they were doing something that sent up a red flag right away. It was sooooo hard not to jump all over that with my thoughts and feelings. At first I didn’t, I just did a lot of “hmmm” and “oh-ing” but finally I broke down and said -  “That doesn’t sound like it would be too healthy for you”.  And as soon as it was out, I felt bad. Not because I didn’t mean it, but because I failed in withholding my unsolicited opinion. Is it really that ingrained in me to always have to throw my two cents in, no matter how short a sentence?  It’s hard to think about everything you say, even though that sentence sounds silly as I type it. Why is it hard?  Even under the guise of being helpful, things can come out in a negative way, which can ultimately shadow any worthwhile and positive insight I might have offered.
So to impeccable words and thoughts I add another challenge of impeccable listening, which I think easily goes hand in hand with the other two. I think my first steps in achieving this are to meditate more. Meditation slows my thought process down to a nice mellow level, so I am not so quick to respond (or maybe that’s wine?).  By taking the time to really listen well, I can then limit knee jerk reactions, and instead choose my responses accordingly with truth and love.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Impeccable Timing and Osama bin Laden

I heard the news that Osama bin Laden had been killed at about 10pm on Sunday night.  My husband tuned the TV to CNN and we watched the President's speech.   In that moment I did not begin parading around the streets waving an American flag but I must admit I was pleased, even happy, to hear the news.   I felt a jingoistic triumph which lasted into the next morning, when I found myself fighting a strong desire to high-five people around town.  "Yeah, baby, it's about TIME!!   Now maybe the free world can get on with our free-world-happiness without having to look over our shoulders every 5 minutes.  Maybe flying will be fun again.  Maybe all the radical Muslims who hate us will change their minds and send us chocolates instead, with a little post-it note saying, 'We're OK, You're OK.  Sorry about that whole 9/11 thing.'"

But by that afternoon I had been in conversation with several friends who questioned a jubilant response.  A life had been snuffed out.  A man lay dead.   Yes, he was a man who had caused us great pain.  But a death is hardly a reason to dance in the streets.  It is, after all, still death.  Then I picked up my daughter from school, and her reaction to the news that bin Laden had been killed was to ask why we couldn't have just put him in 'time out' until he said he was sorry.

Later, I was asked to participate in a "man on the street" interview for our local newspaper which was gathering reactions from citizens about bin Laden's demise.  This stopped me in my tracks.  What did I want to say of my reaction, knowing it would be recorded for public consumption?  How could I respond honestly yet thoughtfully, as a citizen, as a pastor, as a mother? 

I thought about the Four Agreements, and how impeccable words are those that build up rather than tear down.   With that in mind, I realized that to tell how I felt the minute I heard the news about bin Laden would have been truthful, but I am not sure it would have been impeccable.  My thoughts had already evolved from one reaction to another in less than 24 hours.  I had needed time to process what I heard.  I decided to share this evolution of thought in the interview, adding that regardless of my own feelings I believe in a God who has the power to turn even our human tragedies to good.

I don't feel that my initial and visceral glad reaction was sinful.  It came from a place deep within, a place abiding in a nation that has been grieving the loss of its own innocence for a decade.   But I have learned that my opinions, especially on political or other emotionally charged topics, should be fluid and changing.  I do not believe that this evolution is wishy-washy relativism, but rather a mark of maturity and an ability to self-examine which is essential to healthy dialogue.  The tricky part is knowing when to speak out, and when to hold our tongues.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Laila: If you could read my mind love...

Attempting to be impeccable with my words and thoughts with my kids is a challenge enough, but attempting to do the same with my husband has proven to be, shall we say, even more challenging.


Situation: Right now my husband and I are in a situation where his work takes him away for ten days, then back for a few then away again, then back, and on and on. This leaves me to care for our young kids, and our needy big brown furry chunk of love from earlier posts. The cat does not count, since we all know he is an island and needs no one but a willing hand to feed him twice a day.  So our days are energetic and hectic and fun and on a pseudo-schedule (mine) which is the way I like it and the way it works best.  Some things get done around the house, and some don’t, because after all since I am the one here it is all about my priorities.
Opportunity (since there are no problems): Enter husband, back from hunting in far off land  - immediately springs into action with his plan/schedule for the next few days.  Of course his vision is not the same as mine, and I am not quite sure how that happened because by this point he should know me well enough to read my mind!  So I take a step back (into the next room, up the stairs and over to the other side of the house) and contemplate how I can handle this shift in my world with impeccability. The contemplating lasts about 30 seconds before the un-impeccable thoughts begin to circle, thoughts that I manage to prevent from oozing out of my mouth. I just start biting my lip instead. Then the thoughts bubble too long under the surface and start to seep out in passive aggressive actions towards the hubby. Not good-especially since he doesn’t even notice! Soon I realize that I am the only one getting all worked up and he is fine because as far as he is concerned things that are important to him are getting done, kids are being fed and played with, and all is well in his kingdom for the few days that he is home.   

Solution: Finally at the end of the weekend, tired of my own festering, I say something. I speak from my heart about what I am feeling, nothing snarky, only the truth. I am impeccable with my word.  And right away he gets it and says “Just tell me next time”.  It completely changed how I was feeling, and in an instant I could feel all of the tension I had managed to store up just melt away. I also realized I had expended  a lot of unnecessary energy over the weekend by internalizing my feelings and wallowing in un-impeccable thoughts. Moral of the story? Next time have the conversation a lot sooner so his time home can be enjoyed by all–or better yet, maybe there won’t be a next time…...HAHAHAHAHA, oh me, living the dream!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Liz: The Glass Half Empty Syndrome

The other day I knew I would be spending alot of time in the car.  I thought it would be the perfect time to practice not only the impeccable spoken word but the impeccable thought.  Often in the day to day I have noticed the white lies, the pessimism or the small cruelties slipping out of my mouth before I can stop them.  I wanted to get to the root of those statements and see if I could head them off at the pass before thought turned to un-impeccable speech.

This exercise proved most illuminating.  I discovered that my mind turned to negative thoughts more easily than positive, on anything from what the woman at the gas pump was wearing "ooh, that hemline really does not make her legs look good" to the person who was driving slow in the fast line "Selfish IDIOT!" to the weather "why does it have to go from cold to hot in the space of a week in this godforsaken state!?"  Yes, these are the type of thoughts that were going through my mind.  Negative, pessimistic, mean.

What is truly remarkable about this is that I was not in a particularly bad mood, in fact on the surface of things I was feeling good about the day and the work I had to do.  I had enjoyed a good conversation with a friend and was looking forward to what was happening that evening.  So why all the negative Nellie going on in my head?  And could I turn it around and make it positive if I really thought about it?

As for "why?" I believe it has simply become a habit to think cynically, to tear down instead of build up.   I have noticed over the years that there are some friendships whose conversations are fueled by this type of negative discourse.  We all know these people--the friends with whom we feel we must use a biting wit, and with whom we are embarrassed to say something uplifting because we fear it will sound lame and naive.  While driving along I wondered:  am I becoming one of these people?

  So I decided that I would listen to my mind, and when a negative thought popped in I'd say, out loud, something positive to counteract it.  At first it really did feel dorky, saying things like, "oh that guy in the car up there must be in a big hurry.  But in the long run what he's doing doesn't affect me at all..."  But it did get easier as the drive went along, and by the time I was ready to pick the kids up from school, an activity I dread because you never know what mood they might be in, I was saying out loud, "the kids might be in a bad mood, but I don't have to be.  I feel glad to see them because they're mine no matter what mood they are in."

My daughter was indeed in her daily rotten mood, but since I chose not to go there with her and be angry with the world, she got over herself and we were laughing about something silly in about 5 minutes.

Since that day I've been trying to do more of this, and have noticed the ugly thoughts slowly but surely being replaced by beautiful ones, or at least neutral ones.  And speaking these thoughts out loud really does have power that just thinking them does not.  God spoke the world into being, it only follows that we can speak our own mood into being, and perhaps change the course of our future one dorky happy thought at a time.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Laila: Unimpeccable Me

You would think I would be far enough along in this experiment to know which path to choose when I hit that fork in the road of impeccableness (is that even a word, the red line that popped says otherwise). And I think for the most part I do, but for some reason, one that I probably know deep down inside, I decided to choose the not so impeccable road.

During a conversation with a friend I discovered she was having some issues with a dog they recently inherited from a deceased relative. Issues that were forcing them to make a serious decision about what to do with the dog.  I have a dog, in fact I have the same dog they have, so listening to an option they were considering was really really bothering me. In fact, it was changing the way I felt about her and her husband right on the spot.  

I really did try to be impeccable with my thoughts, I turned it over in my mind trying to figure out another way to look at it so I wasn’t being so hard on her – but I couldn’t.  I was stuck. And it reminded me of another conversation I had with someone about how to maintain impeccability with your words if you are in the presence of someone you really dislike. At the time of the conversation I replied “I guess you just say nothing”.  So that’s what I did. However, as soon as I got off the phone I said plenty to other people.  It started out as first trying to find someone to help find a home for the dog, but quickly deteriorated into conversations with people that I knew would have even stronger opinions then me about the subject. During some of the latter conversations I found myself verbally trying to work out my guilt by making weak guesstimates on her actions. Hmmmm, can you say hypocrite?  Only one person I talked to about the situation knows this friend, but if any of the others ever met her they would clearly have strong opinions of her based on my information.  So as Don Miguel Ruiz states, I used the word against her, and in turn against myself.  
So how do I feel? I don’t know? I feel bad about talking about her but I still don’t understand or agree with her.  I guess the impeccable thing to do would have been to assist her in finding a home for the dog without making judgments or detailing her story to the extent that I did. This would have been easier if I had kept in mind that we are all trying to do the best we can in any given circumstance. So I guess that is my lesson, which goes to show I still have a loooong way to go in getting this impeccability thing down.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Liz: The Whole Truth

I've often categorized myself inwardly as a coward when it comes to conflict.  Friends and family would laugh at this because I do have strong opinions coupled with a too-quick temper inherited from the Dutch on my father's side.  But deep down, I want everybody to like me.  I want to say things that people agree with so that conversation flows easily.  As a minister, this becomes especially tricky from the pulpit, because, with so many hearers there is bound to be someone who doesn't like what you've got to say.  But err on the side of caution and the message becomes watered down, irrelevant, and boring.   There is nothing wishy-washy about the Bible.  Yet for every individual who reads it the Spirit makes possible a new understanding--this is why it is called the Living Word.  And why it is so powerfully unifying and divisive all at the same time.

As a person with strong opinions who is also a pastor, I find disagreements on Biblical interpretation, politics, and 'hot-button' issues difficult to navigate in a diplomatic way.  I desire to be authentic but to also be able to minister to those who disagree with me.  It is a fine line to walk.

I recently had an interview for a job with a committee.  At one point I was asked to put in writing how I feel about a divisive issue, and knew that my response would be read and considered by this group.  I knew also that at least some, and probably the majority, would disagree with my views.  The small person inside me who wants to be liked was in turmoil.  I considered pretending I didn't understand the question.  I considered saying I was undecided.  I considered skipping town. I considered concocting some 'middle of the road' answer that would please everyone, or telling them only a piece of the truth, stopping just short of saying the actual words.  I considered telling them I'd found another position.  But then this impeccable business came into my mind, and I knew it was only right to tell the truth, the whole truth, even though it meant the probable loss of the job opportunity.

So I answered:  honestly and fully.  And I didn't get the job.  And I am really just fine with that.  But the best part came afterward.  A few days later I was approached by a member of the committee, who told me he felt the same as I did about this issue but has felt nervous about sharing it openly.  He said that my words really helped him understand his own feelings and gave him courage to express them in the presence of God and his neighbors.  Because I was so concerned about how I would be affected, it hadn't occured to me that my words spoken in truth might help another. 

I learned from this that the rewards of our impeccable speech are not always for ourselves (in fact they may cause suffering or loss), but truth spoken with kindness and firmness can lift others up, bolster their faith, and offer encouragement where none has been before.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Laila: Here, There, Everywhere

As a result of focusing more on my words and thoughts, I have begun to live more in the “now”, which I have strived for in the past without great success. My mind always seemed to be going a mile a minute and I found it was hard to sit back and enjoy the moment because I was either anticipating the next moment, or worrying about a past moment.  Slowing down has become more natural, because mentally I have to slow down in order to pay attention to my words. For the most part, I am no longer on auto pilot when responding to someone because I am a lot more aware of what I am saying (that’s not to say the thinking part doesn’t try and sabotage my impeccable words, good thing I have some self-control).

This slowing down process has also helped me to remain more peaceful throughout the day. I'm not saying that something couldn't set me off down the path of crazy lunatic at any moment, but I am more mindful of choices I make to try and keep traveling down the calmer road. (Although “crazy lunatic” is really fun to say, especially if you pretend to have a french accent).
I am more selective with whom I choose to spend my free time with as well. Whether it’s on the phone or in person, my goal is to be completely present – which I can do if I set limits and/or boundaries. The aforementioned are skills I have always struggled with in the past, ultimately leading to my energy being zapped and my own frustration at putting myself in a position for that to happen.  However, as I put the first agreement adage of honoring myself  into practice more and more, I find it is a lot easier for me to now say “I have to go” and to say it impeccably with love.  

And on that note – I have to go  J

Friday, April 15, 2011

Liz: The Corporate White Lie

I have been really struck by Laila's 'white lie' post.  When I monitor my own interactions I notice that the opportunity to be untruthful presents itself at every turn.  And what's more, it is really easy to pull it off! It is so easy, that I would guess it has become habit for many us.  Just today I have already stopped myself a couple of times getting ready to bend the truth for no particular reason.  

I doubt I'm the only one greasing the social wheels unnecessarily with these lies. If I'm right, that's a lot of deception floating around.  It can't be good for our collective consciousness.

The plot thickens as we consider not only the white lies we tell others but also the white lies we allow ourselves to believe.  Those are the more insidious and take many forms.  This week I am thinking about our corporate lies, the untruths we follow around like a nation full of lost puppies.  Our mob mood revolves around our small attention span, and we are blown like the wind by the media, fueled by self-centeredness and fear.

For example, I was recently angered by a report that a public personality had said something cruel and thoughtless about the situation in Japan.  But it only took a couple of minutes' research to discover that what that person had said was not nearly as incendiary as the critics made it out to be.  I am grateful for the time I spent getting to the impeccable truth of the matter because it freed me from the burden of mis-directed anger.

Being impeccable with our words means not only telling the truth to others but also seeking the truth in a spirit of love.   Perhaps Paul said it best to the Corinthians, "Love... does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Laila: Oh the tangled web we weave...

When I searched on "white lie" on the super information highway, I found two interesting definitions:

n. An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth.

      and

 n : an unimportant lie (especially one told to be tactful or polite)

I love the last one, an "unimportant" lie  : )   Which leads us to our tale.....


Sunday night I sat stressing a little thinking about my Monday and realized I had completely over-extended myself.  The one factor that would alleviate that internal twinge would be to reschedule my daughters swim lessons. I had booked her for a weeks worth of lessons, and realized it would work out much better to switch her to a 5 week, once a week program instead. But before I made the call, I worried about coming across as a flakey, unorganized mom, so I tried to think of an "unimportant" lie to tell, something to put the blame on instead of myself.  Now right there I was already being unimpeccable with my word, I was using it against myself by using the label flakey and the word blame.

As I dialed the number I thought that telling him she was sick was perfect, no one wants a sick kid in  the pool. Plus when a kid is sick you really don't know how long it might last, so I was already getting out of it if he said she could start the next day.  But as soon as the person on the other end answered I blurted out "I've over-extended myself tomorrow and I need to switch my daughters lesson to another time!"  And this relief just washed through me and I actually smiled. The lesson was switched, no problem, and I had a still busy but very manageable Monday.

I'd like to think that the first agreement is getting deep seeded in my psyche so that it is making it impossible for me to tell a lie, however I think there was a little fear thrown in there of possibly being discovered. What if the swim instructor said to Gabby "Glad you are feeling better" - whether Gabby exposed me with her blatant honesty or I exposed myself by turning that nice shade of red some people do when caught in a lie, ultimately I would have felt bad about not being truthful (and what a great example to set).  So I am encouraged that I am able to stop and think about my actions and analyze the impeccability of my word before I throw it out there - something I probably wouldn't have done even a month ago.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Liz: Just Say Thanks (Or, how to freak out a Southern woman)

Want to strike fear in the heart of a born-and-bred Southern woman?  Want to see her palms get sweaty, and her face flush in suppressed anguish?  If you're looking to cause a minor freak-out of the feminine kind in the shadow of the Magnolia tree, I've got your answer.  Give her a compliment.  It doesn't have to be much:  "love you dress!"  "you look beautiful!"  "nice job on that presentation."  Whatever you say, if it lifts up a positive aspect of her appearance, personality, or work ethic, she is bound to go temporarily insane in her efforts to prove you wrong.

I observe this in Southern women because I live in the South, but perhaps it's more universal and involves all women.  However widespread, it needs to stop.  Women seem obsessed with putting themselves down and refusing compliments, even when well deserved.   If you don't believe me, call up a woman you know and tell her she's beautiful, inside and out.  Then sit back and listen to the excuses, the attempts to turn the conversation to something else, the awkward stammering.  Or next time you're in a friend's house, mention how much you like what they've done with the place and then listen to all the things she tells you are wrong, how messy it is, how long it took to fix and the mistakes they made doing it.  I have a number of friends whose homes are nearly always impeccably clean, yet they will apologize for the mess when I come to visit.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Perhaps it is a fear of appearing arrogant if we are positive about what we are doing. Perhaps we don't want to hurt the feelings of others, or worse: we are worried that the glare from our brilliance will blind our acquaintances.  Maybe we've been taught by our religions that humility is the greatest gift of the Spirit, and we've internalized that so completely that it has turned to self-depracation.

The constant stream of chatter in which we engage to avoid receiving a compliment is not impeccable speech.  I don't mean that we should bend to flattery; it is important to discern between the two. But using words to put ourselves down, for whatever reason, is hurtful to self and those who want to be close to us.  We need not fear being pleased, even happy, with how we are doing, how we look, the choices we've made.

So today I dare you to look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself.  Go on, no one will be there but the person who needs to hear it most of all.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Laila: Just the facts ma'am

As Liz stated in her original post about this impeccable joint venture, there are 4 agreements in the book. The foundation of all being the first one, Be Impeccable with your Words, and the one we are currently trying to attempt. But I notcie the other 3 sneaking in here and there and wonder how my "mastering" the foundation will affect my reaction to those other 3 in the future. For example.....

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend and I was telling her about a mutual acquaintance and her situation. I didn't know the full details of the situation, so I said "Just speculating here, but maybe it is because of her father running off with that sad looking circus clown and leaving her mother alone with 6 kids".  Actually that's not what I said, it was a lot less colorful, BUT, just the word "speculate" made me reflect later on that maybe I could have had the conversation differently. It wasn't my place to say the clown was sad, he was just drawn that way.  Speculating is assuming in one way or another, and by using my words to speculate I am in a sense spreading gossip. It wasn't anything malicious, but ultimately it was putting thoughts into my friends head that weren't facts.

So I guess by sticking to what I know, the facts, when I speak, it will make it easier for me to uphold the impeccable word. But these thoughts are still going to pop into my mind, so how do I handle that? I could just pause before saying anything, double check my words before letting them come out. Of course there might be some awkward silence, which I could always fill with humming like the muzak they play when you are on hold. - that wouldn't be weird at all, unlike choosing the sad clown versus the pie throwing happy one.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Liz: What does Impeccable mean, exactly?

Since we've started this blog I've had several people ask me what exactly it means to be impeccable with your word.  I find myself asking this question myself throughout the day.  Does it mean always telling the truth?  Always being 'nice'?  Are swear words completely un-impeccable?   This weekend a friend suggested we devote a little bit of time considering this question. 

It is helpful to go back to Ruiz's own words on the First Agreement, which is "Be Impeccable With Your Word."   Ruiz explains that the word "impeccable" means "without sin," from the root word in Latin 'pecatus.'  Ruiz defines sin as anything a person uses or says against him or herself.  He writes, "Being impeccable with your word is not using the word against yourself....When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions but you do not judge or blame yourself." 

On the way back from a concert in Atlanta this weekend my friend and I were chatting about all kinds of things and having a  great time.  She is the type of friend you can be 'real' with; you can say anything. Then we got on the subject of whether we will live in our city for the rest of our lives or whether we want to move.  I started in on the ways our city disappoint me, on the school system problems, the neighborhood we live in, the shortfalls of our house.  I managed to talk myself into a serious slump and by the end of the conversation was ready to put our house on the market and move....move ANYWHERE just to get out of town!

This is an example of the power our words can hold, and how I was un-impeccable with my speech when complaining about our city.  My speech was not mean-spirited, nor was I saying anything bad about myself or another person.  But through complaining about our circumstances and speaking aloud so many negative feelings I ended up hurting myself.  It follows then, that by Ruiz's definition, my words of complaint were sinful.  When we speak ill of another person, situation, or place we ultimately sin against ourselves. 

Jesus says, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  We sometimes give credence to the neighbor part, but often continue to destroy ourselves with no remorse, and we don't even realize it!  The Gospel also declares a message of grace and forgiveness, so that I don't need to wallow in guilt for my complaining words.  As Ruiz says, we can take responsibility for our words but there is no need for judgement or blame.

Ruiz says that words are extremely powerful and can be used to create or destroy.  He uses Hitler as an example of a man who drove a nation to war and genocide on the power of his words.  With such power at our disposal we must choose our words impeccably lest we destroy others and ourselves.  We can choose this very moment to create beauty and love simply by speaking a positive word.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Laila: The sound of silence

Have you ever noticed before you embark on any kind of detox, whether it be food or meds or alcohol you are always encouraged to make the first few days similar to a spa retreat. Cut down on any stressful situations or noises. Listen to beautiful music, take a therapeutic bath with candles. Restrict interactions to ones that promote peace and happiness. Hmmm, is your success drastically altered if you can't do that in the beginning?  I never have a quiet home, never. All 3 of the other occupants are noisy unless they are asleep. I have found when I wake up before any of them I can start my morning in the impeccable mind set - I am serene and smiley and everything in life is good. I can manage to keep that feeling for a little while after they are up, but then the noise starts and it's harder to focus on being impeccable. And I know that noise is part of life, that it is normal, which is why following the four agreements can be such a hard undertaking.  I'm not spending a year at some yoga retreat where I can be mindful every second of the day of my breathing, my eating, my thoughts and words. I am living a normal life with kids, a husband, pets, stuff and noise. Real life.

Yesterday I had a truly unimpeccable day, thoughts and words alike. Fortunately I was aware of what was going on and was able to stop myself, but it was haaaard. And when I reflected on those unimpeccable situations later, I determined that most were due to me putting myself into them and then getting frustrated at my choices - thereby verbally lashing out at whoever might be around. So it was a lesson in taking responsibility for my own actions. Good lesson, one that dawned on me at 10 p.m. last night when everyone was alseep and I could sit with it in silence......

Friday, April 1, 2011

Liz: Impeccable Humor (part Deux)


What happens to the relationship built on sarcasm if you’re trying to be impeccable with your word?  Sarcasm is a form of humor I’ve come to rely on to ‘grease the social wheels’ so to speak.  But I notice that more often than not sarcasm is humor at someone else’s expense.  That does not feel impeccable.

Recently I’ve performed a couple of small gigs as an amateur stand up comedian.  Because I’m new to doing comedy, I’ve been listening to the comedy channels on XM radio to get a feel for the flow of a good comedy routine—what I like and what I don’t.  Which jokes kill and which jokes fall flat.  I notice that a lot of comedians use sarcasm to make fun of other people and themselves.  But some are able to find the ridiculous in ordinary situations without bringing any specific person down.  The latter is the type of humor that I think is the most sophisticated and the kind I’d like to do.  But it is hard.  While gathering material it was really tempting to just fall into cheap shots at easy targets.

I don’t want to become boring and un-funny because I’m trying to be impeccable with my word.  If I’m being completely honest, part of me would rather abandon the effort at truthful and beautiful speech than lose the ability to be humorous.  Funny is how I survive awkward social situations…well, ANY social situation really.  I like to laugh, and I like to get people laughing.  It is a complete and total rush to come up with that perfect one-liner that leaves your buddies laughing so hard they cry.  And if I wasn’t able to poke fun about the crazy, wonderful, awful, scary things kids do, I’m pretty sure I would have gone insane from the pressure of being a mom by now. 

But getting into darker territory, I often use humor to deal with a situation when someone hurts my feelings, or when I feel insecure.  Those are the times when I’m most likely to label people.  I knew this had gone too far when I was talking to a friend about a neighbor yesterday and I could only remember the label I’d given her, not her real name!   I realize that the fact that I don’t like her is reinforced every time I call her by that name, which isn’t kind or fair to her.

I remember back to Sewanee days, when I was surrounded by a group of highly intelligent and creative friends.  We could spend hours coming up with funny plays on words, re-writing song lyrics, or making up wacky one-act plays about anything and everything.  Recently, a group of us met for a class reunion for the weekend, and I think we laughed the entire time.  It felt so good, and it wasn’t mean-spirited at all.  So there is hope:  it’s possible to laugh hysterically without being cruel.

For now, my way of turning humor into positive speech which creates rather than tears down will be to consider whether I’d say it in front of my kids.  My kids both have the ability to crack me up and get me laughing.  And they do it all without sarcasm or making fun of others.  


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Laila: Impeccable words and humor

What happens when your humor dabbles in the unimpeccable? Tricky.  And what if some of your friendships have that humor as a connector?  Very tricky.  Today I listened to a friend tell me about an evening out and a group of women he observed. A friend who was out to dinner with him referred to the women as "the real housewives of some white trash town" - I laughed, because it was funny, as was the story leading up to the comment. But I felt a little weird for laughing because of my new commitment. Of course I didn't know these women, so I wasn't laughing at someone I knew. (Insert big sigh here.)  My humor certainly has less of an edge to it then when I was in my 20's, or even my 30's for that matter when reading websites like suck.com would bring me to tears from laughing so hard. But every now and then it sneaks up on me in those bonding moments with others. And I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable by not responding to something they say in the manner they might have come to expect, that wouldn't be nice would it?  To borrow a line from the movie What About Bob, I choose baby steps!

Before the morning coffee Argh moment.

This morning I am trying to get some dishes washed at the sink, and Z comes and stands right up next to me.  I asked him politely, impeccably even, if he would please move because I need space (note the absence of the negative.)  He doesn't move.  I asked him more firmly.  He stays.  Now I'm physically trying to edge him away from the sink with my hip while my hands are covered in soap and leftover chicken and dumplings.  Finally, I have to get up in his face and yell, "Zach MOVE!!!"  That did the trick.  Why? Why do kids wait to get yelled at in a mean way before they listen?

Is there a morning pass on impeccability if others in the house are not playing nice?  

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Liz: The Impeccable "Yes!" for Kids

You may remember that I vowed to try speaking impeccably by creating with my words rather than tearing down.   It only took about 5 minutes with my kids at the dinner table that very night to put this vow to the test.  They were both having a hard time sitting still, and kept jumping out of their chairs. My first instinct was to say "Stop jumping! Why can't you sit still?  You're making me crazy!"  But I stopped myself.  How could I get them to sit and eat and still 'create' with my words?  So instead I said, "this food will make you grow and give you energy.  Eat it so you can have fun playing outside after dinner."  They actually did listen, at least for a little while.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm with Laila, it sounds a little Will Ferrell/Pollyanna to talk to children and dogs this way.  But is that because it's bad or because we're not used to being positive?  Perhaps we equate being positive with being dorky because we've forgotten how to do it, and it makes us feel uncomfortable.

Anyone who has read any form of child psychology books in the last 20 years has probably been introduced to the concept that we are overly negative with our kids.  Toddler-aged kids hear the word "no" something on the order of 400 times for every "yes."  Our modern parental diatribe of rules sounds like an Old Testament litany of "Thou Shalt NOT!"  

I now question the impeccability of so many negatives.  Sure, kids need discipline.  And they definitely should not be allowed to run the show.  But are there not ways we can introduce civility into our little barbarians' lives without shaming or threatening, or squashing their spirit?

Last year I took a trip to Bolivia with my son Zach, then aged 4.  Bolivia, second only to Haiti in overall poverty in our hemisphere, has a rich culture and heritage largely unknown to North Americans.  There is much that is broken in Bolivia in terms of government and infrastructure, but there is one cultural phenomenon they possess from which we could learn:  they treat their children with respect in public places, and welcome childlike behavior with great joy.  

Everywhere we went, from restaurants to family gatherings, to outdoor concerts and street festivals, children were welcomed loudly and graciously.  Never once did I feel embarrassed by Zach's behavior, or that he might not belong.  People went out of their way to talk to him and treated him like a person rather than a liability.  

Zach responded to this honor by behaving beautifully everywhere we went.  I think kids know when they are wanted and respected. Conversely, they can sense the tension when their presence is not desirable.  (I have an acquaintance who is so uptight around children I can almost guarantee my kids will throw something or hit each other or scream in her presence.  And it secretly gives me pleasure.)

It’s difficult, because this isn’t Bolivia and I know I’ll never be perfectly positive when I talk to my kids.  But I’m going to try for a little more joy and a little less shame for myself and for them.     

Monday, March 28, 2011

Laila: Impeccable speech and the dog

Already this morning I have had a challenge that begs the question - does being impeccable with your word extend to your dog?  

It's raining, chocolate lab eats and goes outside. I am already resigned to the fact that I will need to wipe him off before he comes in, that's fine. I let him into the screened in porch and go in search of a towel. In the 30 seconds I have left him he heads back outside and starts barking at the back door while standing in the rain.  "What is that dumb-dumb doing" I sigh heading over to let him in. My 4 year old Jiminy Cricket calls me on it right away - "He's not dumb!"  Ooops. So after I try and explain why I said that, and realizing the excuse falls flat on her ears, I come to the conclusion that my choice of words were not necessary or impeccable ( but still true in my mind, and this is about directing words towards truth and love afterall, and I have not had my coffee yet either). 

Maybe the above scenario should have gone like this:  "Oh that silly dog, he is getting all wet out there. I bet he's cold, I should make sure he comes in right away so I can dry him off and get him all toasty."  But doesn't that sound too much like that Will Ferrell skit on Saturday Night Live when he uses sarcasm to train dogs?

So going forward not only will I have my own conscious to deal with, but the monitoring of my daughter - which alone will require a lot of self control on my part. Of course by the end of the week I will have this down pat and only beautiful words will pass my lips creating joy within me and wherever I go - right????  That or I will have to stifle those "other" words with cake, lots of cake.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Liz: Agreement #1: Be Impeccable With Your Speech

Impeccable Speech seems like it should be easy for a minister of WORD and Sacrament in the Presbyterian Church. Words are what we're about:  we go to scripture, research, pray, think, look at commentaries, study the language and context, and then we share what comes to us in the form of words from the pulpit on Sunday morning.

Words are clearly important to the Judeo-Christian faith.  The Bible is our guide.  It is a sacred text, a collection of written words.  God used words to speak the world into being:  "In the beginning God said 'Let there be light,' and there was light!"  Jesus Christ, at the beginning of the Gospel of John, is referred to as "logos,"  which is Greek for "Word."  Speaking brings life to the lifeless and makes order from chaos.

That is why speaking impeccably, or without blemish, is so important, and why it is so hard.  We are human, and not God, and we don't always use words to create, but often to destroy.

So to begin this journey my self-imposed task for this week will be to try to create rather than to destroy with my words.  I'll let you know how it goes.   If you like, give it a try and let us know how it goes for you, too!

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Four Agreement Challenge!

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is a book which outlines four basic ‘ways of being’ from the ancient Toltec.  The Toltec is a body of knowledge and wisdom which has been passed on through generations of naguals, or shaman, in rural Mexico.  Ruiz describes the Toltec this way: “Though it is not a religion, it honors all the spiritual masters who have taught on the earth.  While it does embrace spirit, it is most accurately described as a way of life, distinguished by the ready accessibility of happiness and love.”

These four ‘ways of being’, or Four Agreements, are outlined by Ruiz as follows:
  1. Be Impeccable with your Word
  2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
  3. Don’t Make Assumptions
  4. Always Do Your Best
We found these concepts compelling, and decided to take on the Four Agreements while training for the Knoxville half marathon in the Winter of 2011.  After all, who wouldn’t want to try for the “ready accessibility of happiness and love”?    We decided to spend a week on each one, reading the pertinent chapter and then incorporating the concept into our daily lives.   We would then share our progress during each morning’s run.

This simple task was shockingly difficult.  We found that Agreement #1 “Be Impeccable With Your Word”  was enough to rewrite the foundations of our social, family, and civic interactions.  We found ourselves becoming painfully aware of each conversation, realizing how un-impeccable our words could be.  We quickly backed off, not quite ready to work these profound ways of thinking into our world of diaper changes, family quarrels, job stress, and political angst.

But over the weeks as we continued to run in the early morning hours, mile after mile,  we found that the Agreements kept cropping up in our conversations, like so much unfinished business.  We began to discuss them again, and then it hit us: if we were going to follow the Agreements we would need more time.  And if we were going to commit to a life-changing discipline we would need to be patient with ourselves, allowing for screw-ups along the way.

It is amazing what you can do if you give yourself permission to do it badly at first.   Author Ann Lamott calls this concept in writing the “shitty first draft.”  We decided to try to follow the Four Agreements for an entire year, and to write honestly about the experience.  We agreed that we wouldn’t hold ourselves to perfection, but that the process itself would be illuminating, a little bit crazy, and hopefully even fun. 

And so this blog is our gift to ourselves, and to you.