Laila: Impeccable words and humor

What happens when your humor dabbles in the unimpeccable? Tricky.  And what if some of your friendships have that humor as a connector?  Very tricky.  Today I listened to a friend tell me about an evening out and a group of women he observed. A friend who was out to dinner with him referred to the women as "the real housewives of some white trash town" - I laughed, because it was funny, as was the story leading up to the comment. But I felt a little weird for laughing because of my new commitment. Of course I didn't know these women, so I wasn't laughing at someone I knew. (Insert big sigh here.)  My humor certainly has less of an edge to it then when I was in my 20's, or even my 30's for that matter when reading websites like suck.com would bring me to tears from laughing so hard. But every now and then it sneaks up on me in those bonding moments with others. And I don't want to make anyone else uncomfortable by not responding to something they say in the manner they might have come to expect, that wouldn't be nice would it?  To borrow a line from the movie What About Bob, I choose baby steps!

Before the morning coffee Argh moment.

This morning I am trying to get some dishes washed at the sink, and Z comes and stands right up next to me.  I asked him politely, impeccably even, if he would please move because I need space (note the absence of the negative.)  He doesn't move.  I asked him more firmly.  He stays.  Now I'm physically trying to edge him away from the sink with my hip while my hands are covered in soap and leftover chicken and dumplings.  Finally, I have to get up in his face and yell, "Zach MOVE!!!"  That did the trick.  Why? Why do kids wait to get yelled at in a mean way before they listen?

Is there a morning pass on impeccability if others in the house are not playing nice?  

Liz: The Impeccable "Yes!" for Kids

You may remember that I vowed to try speaking impeccably by creating with my words rather than tearing down.   It only took about 5 minutes with my kids at the dinner table that very night to put this vow to the test.  They were both having a hard time sitting still, and kept jumping out of their chairs. My first instinct was to say "Stop jumping! Why can't you sit still?  You're making me crazy!"  But I stopped myself.  How could I get them to sit and eat and still 'create' with my words?  So instead I said, "this food will make you grow and give you energy.  Eat it so you can have fun playing outside after dinner."  They actually did listen, at least for a little while.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm with Laila, it sounds a little Will Ferrell/Pollyanna to talk to children and dogs this way.  But is that because it's bad or because we're not used to being positive?  Perhaps we equate being positive with being dorky because we've forgotten how to do it, and it makes us feel uncomfortable.

Anyone who has read any form of child psychology books in the last 20 years has probably been introduced to the concept that we are overly negative with our kids.  Toddler-aged kids hear the word "no" something on the order of 400 times for every "yes."  Our modern parental diatribe of rules sounds like an Old Testament litany of "Thou Shalt NOT!"  

I now question the impeccability of so many negatives.  Sure, kids need discipline.  And they definitely should not be allowed to run the show.  But are there not ways we can introduce civility into our little barbarians' lives without shaming or threatening, or squashing their spirit?

Last year I took a trip to Bolivia with my son Zach, then aged 4.  Bolivia, second only to Haiti in overall poverty in our hemisphere, has a rich culture and heritage largely unknown to North Americans.  There is much that is broken in Bolivia in terms of government and infrastructure, but there is one cultural phenomenon they possess from which we could learn:  they treat their children with respect in public places, and welcome childlike behavior with great joy.  

Everywhere we went, from restaurants to family gatherings, to outdoor concerts and street festivals, children were welcomed loudly and graciously.  Never once did I feel embarrassed by Zach's behavior, or that he might not belong.  People went out of their way to talk to him and treated him like a person rather than a liability.  

Zach responded to this honor by behaving beautifully everywhere we went.  I think kids know when they are wanted and respected. Conversely, they can sense the tension when their presence is not desirable.  (I have an acquaintance who is so uptight around children I can almost guarantee my kids will throw something or hit each other or scream in her presence.  And it secretly gives me pleasure.)

It’s difficult, because this isn’t Bolivia and I know I’ll never be perfectly positive when I talk to my kids.  But I’m going to try for a little more joy and a little less shame for myself and for them.     

Laila: Impeccable speech and the dog

Already this morning I have had a challenge that begs the question - does being impeccable with your word extend to your dog?  

It's raining, chocolate lab eats and goes outside. I am already resigned to the fact that I will need to wipe him off before he comes in, that's fine. I let him into the screened in porch and go in search of a towel. In the 30 seconds I have left him he heads back outside and starts barking at the back door while standing in the rain.  "What is that dumb-dumb doing" I sigh heading over to let him in. My 4 year old Jiminy Cricket calls me on it right away - "He's not dumb!"  Ooops. So after I try and explain why I said that, and realizing the excuse falls flat on her ears, I come to the conclusion that my choice of words were not necessary or impeccable ( but still true in my mind, and this is about directing words towards truth and love afterall, and I have not had my coffee yet either). 

Maybe the above scenario should have gone like this:  "Oh that silly dog, he is getting all wet out there. I bet he's cold, I should make sure he comes in right away so I can dry him off and get him all toasty."  But doesn't that sound too much like that Will Ferrell skit on Saturday Night Live when he uses sarcasm to train dogs?

So going forward not only will I have my own conscious to deal with, but the monitoring of my daughter - which alone will require a lot of self control on my part. Of course by the end of the week I will have this down pat and only beautiful words will pass my lips creating joy within me and wherever I go - right????  That or I will have to stifle those "other" words with cake, lots of cake.

Liz: Agreement #1: Be Impeccable With Your Speech

Impeccable Speech seems like it should be easy for a minister of WORD and Sacrament in the Presbyterian Church. Words are what we're about:  we go to scripture, research, pray, think, look at commentaries, study the language and context, and then we share what comes to us in the form of words from the pulpit on Sunday morning.

Words are clearly important to the Judeo-Christian faith.  The Bible is our guide.  It is a sacred text, a collection of written words.  God used words to speak the world into being:  "In the beginning God said 'Let there be light,' and there was light!"  Jesus Christ, at the beginning of the Gospel of John, is referred to as "logos,"  which is Greek for "Word."  Speaking brings life to the lifeless and makes order from chaos.

That is why speaking impeccably, or without blemish, is so important, and why it is so hard.  We are human, and not God, and we don't always use words to create, but often to destroy.

So to begin this journey my self-imposed task for this week will be to try to create rather than to destroy with my words.  I'll let you know how it goes.   If you like, give it a try and let us know how it goes for you, too!

The Four Agreement Challenge!

The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz, is a book which outlines four basic ‘ways of being’ from the ancient Toltec.  The Toltec is a body of knowledge and wisdom which has been passed on through generations of naguals, or shaman, in rural Mexico.  Ruiz describes the Toltec this way: “Though it is not a religion, it honors all the spiritual masters who have taught on the earth.  While it does embrace spirit, it is most accurately described as a way of life, distinguished by the ready accessibility of happiness and love.”

These four ‘ways of being’, or Four Agreements, are outlined by Ruiz as follows:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
4. Always Do Your Best

We found these concepts compelling, and decided to take on the Four Agreements while training for the Knoxville half marathon in the Winter of 2011.  After all, who wouldn’t want to try for the “ready accessibility of happiness and love”?    We decided to spend a week on each one, reading the pertinent chapter and then incorporating the concept into our daily lives.   We would then share our progress during each morning’s run.

This simple task was shockingly difficult.  We found that Agreement #1 “Be Impeccable With Your Word”  was enough to rewrite the foundations of our social, family, and civic interactions.  We found ourselves becoming painfully aware of each conversation, realizing how un-impeccable our words could be.  We quickly backed off, not quite ready to work these profound ways of thinking into our world of diaper changes, family quarrels, job stress, and political angst.

But over the weeks as we continued to run in the early morning hours, mile after mile,  we found that the Agreements kept cropping up in our conversations, like so much unfinished business.  We began to discuss them again, and then it hit us: if we were going to follow the Agreements we would need more time.  And if we were going to commit to a life-changing discipline we would need to be patient with ourselves, allowing for screw-ups along the way.

It is amazing what you can do if you give yourself permission to do it badly at first.   Author Ann Lamott calls this concept in writing the “shitty first draft.”  We decided to try to follow the Four Agreements for an entire year, and to write honestly about the experience.  We agreed that we wouldn’t hold ourselves to perfection, but that the process itself would be illuminating, a little bit crazy, and hopefully even fun. 

And so this blog is our gift to ourselves, and to you.