Honesty: Such a lonely word or impeccable word?

Recently a friend/neighbor of mine hosted her son and his family for 10 days. Now it is my opinion, and my opinion only, that having houseguests for 10 days, regardless if you get along or not, might be a tad taxing on the host. In this particular situation, the hostess and the daughter-in-law had a history of some issues in the “can’t we all just get along” category. Add 3 kids under the age of 4 to the mix and to quote Timon from the Lion King “Disasters in the aiiiiirrrrr…..”

Having young children myself, I arranged to do a few things with DIL and her kiddos to benefit my kids with instant playmates and to benefit my neighbor with some alone time.  During some of the time I spent with DIL and her kids I sensed she was testing the waters, so to speak, to gauge the depth of my friendship with her mother in law. She let a few comments sneak out from time to time, bordering on complaining, but always backed it up with “don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for my in-laws..”  Suuuuuure you are. Oops, was that impeccable?  So anyway the more time I spent with her the more comfortable she felt in venting.  It can be hard to stay happy and upbeat when all that negative crap is flying around you in passive aggressive ways, and at one point I did venture into the realm of unsolicited advice, but I prefaced it with “What really reduces any stress for me surrounding the kids when we visit the in-laws is my philosophy that as long as they are not being put in immediate danger, pretty much anything goes. If Grandma and Grandpa want to spoil them – go for it!”   She actually seemed to consider it for a moment, but feedback later in the week told me otherwise.  Of course all of the frustration during the week between the two probably could have been alleviated by an honest conversation.

I am certainly not here to judge anyone else on their parenting techniques, as mother’s we put enough pressure on ourselves already!  But I do believe in open and honest communication, especially as a way to set an example for your kids. I know from my own experience that it can be painful to consider those honest chats, and the alternative of grinning (or grimacing) and bearing it might seem more attractive in the short term, but then I remember the little faces of my kids as they watch and learn.  They do not miss a gesture, a sigh, or a look.  And since one of my big goals in this experiment is to have all of these agreements become second nature enough that they are effortlessly passed down to the kiddos, I take a deep breath and take that uncomfortable step and attempt to address whatever the situation might be with as much grace (or wine) as I can muster. And in the end, more so then not, I am always happy that I did.

When Impeccable Hits the Fan

Every once in awhile one comes to a point in a the chronicling of a life journey when the crisis at hand is such that you are unable to make some poetic beauty out of it.  This is my situation, and the reason it's taken me so long to write this entry.  I am up against a wall with impeccability and just don't know what to do.  I realize now how very much I want to have all my problems neatly wrapped up so I can blog about them and appear wise.  But in this case, I honestly don't know how to behave, or what is impeccable, and worry I'm not up to the challenge.

The problem is jealousy.  Let's put it this way:  I applied for something I really, really wanted.  A friend also did (at my urging!)  I did not get this thing I wanted, but she did.  The actual situation is more complicated than this, but the spirit of how I feel about it is this simple.  

I really want wonderful things for my friend and her family. I love her and want happiness for her.  But at the same time I am devastated at my own loss, and the rejection I feel.  I feel angry, hurt, humiliated, upset, stupid, belittled.

I know that this gain for her is wonderful and it will be something she will be happy about.  But it is the last subject I want to discuss with her or anybody else.  How can I be impeccable in this moment?  If I say, "I don't want to talk about that subject."  then there is something between us that can't be spoken.  From experience I know that when there are subjects that can't be discussed between friends the friendship is eroded over time.  I don't want that in this case.  On the other hand, if she talks about it I will feel resentment.  I know it's not her fault that I was rejected.  But I also know that I am human and my resentment over the loss will spill over onto her.  I'm not proud of it, and I wish it wasn't so.

I have experienced similar situations in the past, and I'm ashamed to say they have often ended badly for the friendships involved.  I am determined that this not happen this time around.  How can impeccability help me here?  Honestly is good, to a point.  If she knows how I feel I know that she will honor and respect it, because she has a kind heart and a healthy outlook.  But beyond that, I will have to work through my own resentment without letting it ruin the friendship.  I will have to learn how to speak when necessary and shut up when my feelings become dark and unhelpful.  I will have to work on separating my hurt from my love for her.  Knowing myself the way I do, it will not be easy.

Laila: The State of Impeccable

I have noticed that when ensconced in the comfort and familiarity of my own little world, impeccability is a little easier to work on.  I have the same people in my life on a day to day basis for the most part, so I kind of know what to expect in any given situation. That’s not to say that I’m not thrown a curve ball every now and again, but overall things seem to kind of flow.  So I had been feeling pretty darn impeccable, and then I left on a 10 day trip to the West coast and the challenges began.

It almost seems like I gave myself a pass on the impeccable thing because I was out of my element, when in fact that was when I should have been paying the most attention to my behavior. It wasn’t so much my actions, more my thoughts. I was quick to judge (the loud person sitting behind me on the plane, the dainty former reality star and her rocker boyfriend in the park, the full on make-up mama in her cute workout outfit in the early a.m.).  Now that I am home I can reflect on each situation much more impeccably, but it bothers me that I can’t automatically do it in the now.  No matter how hokey it sounds, it would be nice to have those rose colored glasses on all the time. (Hmmm, sci-fi product idea...)

I have two more trips this summer that will take me to faraway and exotic places like Washington D.C. and Iowa, meaning I have two more opportunities to practice on the road impeccability. So I will be watching myself like a hawk, and will either A. rise to the challenge beautifully and more automatically or B. develop a split personality from the internal scrutiny and have to check myself into a “special facility” for some quiet time.