Saturday, June 18, 2011

When Impeccable Hits the Fan

Every once in awhile one comes to a point in a the chronicling of a life journey when the crisis at hand is such that you are unable to make some poetic beauty out of it.  This is my situation, and the reason it's taken me so long to write this entry.  I am up against a wall with impeccability and just don't know what to do.  I realize now how very much I want to have all my problems neatly wrapped up so I can blog about them and appear wise.  But in this case, I honestly don't know how to behave, or what is impeccable, and worry I'm not up to the challenge.

The problem is jealousy.  Let's put it this way:  I applied for something I really, really wanted.  A friend also did (at my urging!)  I did not get this thing I wanted, but she did.  The actual situation is more complicated than this, but the spirit of how I feel about it is this simple.  

I really want wonderful things for my friend and her family. I love her and want happiness for her.  But at the same time I am devastated at my own loss, and the rejection I feel.  I feel angry, hurt, humiliated, upset, stupid, belittled.

I know that this gain for her is wonderful and it will be something she will be happy about.  But it is the last subject I want to discuss with her or anybody else.  How can I be impeccable in this moment?  If I say, "I don't want to talk about that subject."  then there is something between us that can't be spoken.  From experience I know that when there are subjects that can't be discussed between friends the friendship is eroded over time.  I don't want that in this case.  On the other hand, if she talks about it I will feel resentment.  I know it's not her fault that I was rejected.  But I also know that I am human and my resentment over the loss will spill over onto her.  I'm not proud of it, and I wish it wasn't so.

I have experienced similar situations in the past, and I'm ashamed to say they have often ended badly for the friendships involved.  I am determined that this not happen this time around.  How can impeccability help me here?  Honestly is good, to a point.  If she knows how I feel I know that she will honor and respect it, because she has a kind heart and a healthy outlook.  But beyond that, I will have to work through my own resentment without letting it ruin the friendship.  I will have to learn how to speak when necessary and shut up when my feelings become dark and unhelpful.  I will have to work on separating my hurt from my love for her.  Knowing myself the way I do, it will not be easy.

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