Liz: The Impeccable "Yes!" for Kids

You may remember that I vowed to try speaking impeccably by creating with my words rather than tearing down.   It only took about 5 minutes with my kids at the dinner table that very night to put this vow to the test.  They were both having a hard time sitting still, and kept jumping out of their chairs. My first instinct was to say "Stop jumping! Why can't you sit still?  You're making me crazy!"  But I stopped myself.  How could I get them to sit and eat and still 'create' with my words?  So instead I said, "this food will make you grow and give you energy.  Eat it so you can have fun playing outside after dinner."  They actually did listen, at least for a little while.

I know what you're thinking, and I'm with Laila, it sounds a little Will Ferrell/Pollyanna to talk to children and dogs this way.  But is that because it's bad or because we're not used to being positive?  Perhaps we equate being positive with being dorky because we've forgotten how to do it, and it makes us feel uncomfortable.

Anyone who has read any form of child psychology books in the last 20 years has probably been introduced to the concept that we are overly negative with our kids.  Toddler-aged kids hear the word "no" something on the order of 400 times for every "yes."  Our modern parental diatribe of rules sounds like an Old Testament litany of "Thou Shalt NOT!"  

I now question the impeccability of so many negatives.  Sure, kids need discipline.  And they definitely should not be allowed to run the show.  But are there not ways we can introduce civility into our little barbarians' lives without shaming or threatening, or squashing their spirit?

Last year I took a trip to Bolivia with my son Zach, then aged 4.  Bolivia, second only to Haiti in overall poverty in our hemisphere, has a rich culture and heritage largely unknown to North Americans.  There is much that is broken in Bolivia in terms of government and infrastructure, but there is one cultural phenomenon they possess from which we could learn:  they treat their children with respect in public places, and welcome childlike behavior with great joy.  

Everywhere we went, from restaurants to family gatherings, to outdoor concerts and street festivals, children were welcomed loudly and graciously.  Never once did I feel embarrassed by Zach's behavior, or that he might not belong.  People went out of their way to talk to him and treated him like a person rather than a liability.  

Zach responded to this honor by behaving beautifully everywhere we went.  I think kids know when they are wanted and respected. Conversely, they can sense the tension when their presence is not desirable.  (I have an acquaintance who is so uptight around children I can almost guarantee my kids will throw something or hit each other or scream in her presence.  And it secretly gives me pleasure.)

It’s difficult, because this isn’t Bolivia and I know I’ll never be perfectly positive when I talk to my kids.  But I’m going to try for a little more joy and a little less shame for myself and for them.