Want to strike fear in the heart of a born-and-bred Southern woman? Want to see her palms get sweaty, and her face flush in suppressed anguish? If you're looking to cause a minor freak-out of the feminine kind in the shadow of the Magnolia tree, I've got your answer. Give her a compliment. It doesn't have to be much: "love you dress!" "you look beautiful!" "nice job on that presentation." Whatever you say, if it lifts up a positive aspect of her appearance, personality, or work ethic, she is bound to go temporarily insane in her efforts to prove you wrong.
I observe this in Southern women because I live in the South, but perhaps it's more universal and involves all women. However widespread, it needs to stop. Women seem obsessed with putting themselves down and refusing compliments, even when well deserved. If you don't believe me, call up a woman you know and tell her she's beautiful, inside and out. Then sit back and listen to the excuses, the attempts to turn the conversation to something else, the awkward stammering. Or next time you're in a friend's house, mention how much you like what they've done with the place and then listen to all the things she tells you are wrong, how messy it is, how long it took to fix and the mistakes they made doing it. I have a number of friends whose homes are nearly always impeccably clean, yet they will apologize for the mess when I come to visit.
Why do we do this to ourselves? Perhaps it is a fear of appearing arrogant if we are positive about what we are doing. Perhaps we don't want to hurt the feelings of others, or worse: we are worried that the glare from our brilliance will blind our acquaintances. Maybe we've been taught by our religions that humility is the greatest gift of the Spirit, and we've internalized that so completely that it has turned to self-depracation.
The constant stream of chatter in which we engage to avoid receiving a compliment is not impeccable speech. I don't mean that we should bend to flattery; it is important to discern between the two. But using words to put ourselves down, for whatever reason, is hurtful to self and those who want to be close to us. We need not fear being pleased, even happy, with how we are doing, how we look, the choices we've made.
So today I dare you to look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself. Go on, no one will be there but the person who needs to hear it most of all.
Oh wow. Accepting a compliment is something I was taught very early on by my very Southern mother and grandmother! They both said that if you don't graciously accept a compliment by just saying "thank you", you're insulting the complimentor. (Is that even a word?) By contradicting or going on about how wrong they are, it's kind of a slap in the face for them. When I was old enough to really get that, I started just saying thank you, and shutting up if I didn't agree! Being in theater, one has to learn this skill or it can be the kiss of death for a career. I've watched it happen several times. Directors, even Southern ones, don't think it's charming to contradict them! And kind audience members don't want to hear how they can't tell good acting or singing when they see it!
ReplyDeleteYou're right about it being more of a Southern problem, but it may apply more generally than just here. (I'm in TX, y'all) Next time you give a compliment and the person doesn't take it well just say, "Oh...yeah...you're right...[it] really does suck after all". Then see what happens! haha.