Liz: The Glass Half Empty Syndrome

The other day I knew I would be spending alot of time in the car.  I thought it would be the perfect time to practice not only the impeccable spoken word but the impeccable thought.  Often in the day to day I have noticed the white lies, the pessimism or the small cruelties slipping out of my mouth before I can stop them.  I wanted to get to the root of those statements and see if I could head them off at the pass before thought turned to un-impeccable speech.

This exercise proved most illuminating.  I discovered that my mind turned to negative thoughts more easily than positive, on anything from what the woman at the gas pump was wearing "ooh, that hemline really does not make her legs look good" to the person who was driving slow in the fast line "Selfish IDIOT!" to the weather "why does it have to go from cold to hot in the space of a week in this godforsaken state!?"  Yes, these are the type of thoughts that were going through my mind.  Negative, pessimistic, mean.

What is truly remarkable about this is that I was not in a particularly bad mood, in fact on the surface of things I was feeling good about the day and the work I had to do.  I had enjoyed a good conversation with a friend and was looking forward to what was happening that evening.  So why all the negative Nellie going on in my head?  And could I turn it around and make it positive if I really thought about it?

As for "why?" I believe it has simply become a habit to think cynically, to tear down instead of build up.   I have noticed over the years that there are some friendships whose conversations are fueled by this type of negative discourse.  We all know these people--the friends with whom we feel we must use a biting wit, and with whom we are embarrassed to say something uplifting because we fear it will sound lame and naive.  While driving along I wondered:  am I becoming one of these people?

  So I decided that I would listen to my mind, and when a negative thought popped in I'd say, out loud, something positive to counteract it.  At first it really did feel dorky, saying things like, "oh that guy in the car up there must be in a big hurry.  But in the long run what he's doing doesn't affect me at all..."  But it did get easier as the drive went along, and by the time I was ready to pick the kids up from school, an activity I dread because you never know what mood they might be in, I was saying out loud, "the kids might be in a bad mood, but I don't have to be.  I feel glad to see them because they're mine no matter what mood they are in."

My daughter was indeed in her daily rotten mood, but since I chose not to go there with her and be angry with the world, she got over herself and we were laughing about something silly in about 5 minutes.

Since that day I've been trying to do more of this, and have noticed the ugly thoughts slowly but surely being replaced by beautiful ones, or at least neutral ones.  And speaking these thoughts out loud really does have power that just thinking them does not.  God spoke the world into being, it only follows that we can speak our own mood into being, and perhaps change the course of our future one dorky happy thought at a time.

Laila: Unimpeccable Me

You would think I would be far enough along in this experiment to know which path to choose when I hit that fork in the road of impeccableness (is that even a word, the red line that popped says otherwise). And I think for the most part I do, but for some reason, one that I probably know deep down inside, I decided to choose the not so impeccable road.

During a conversation with a friend I discovered she was having some issues with a dog they recently inherited from a deceased relative. Issues that were forcing them to make a serious decision about what to do with the dog.  I have a dog, in fact I have the same dog they have, so listening to an option they were considering was really really bothering me. In fact, it was changing the way I felt about her and her husband right on the spot.  

I really did try to be impeccable with my thoughts, I turned it over in my mind trying to figure out another way to look at it so I wasn’t being so hard on her – but I couldn’t.  I was stuck. And it reminded me of another conversation I had with someone about how to maintain impeccability with your words if you are in the presence of someone you really dislike. At the time of the conversation I replied “I guess you just say nothing”.  So that’s what I did. However, as soon as I got off the phone I said plenty to other people.  It started out as first trying to find someone to help find a home for the dog, but quickly deteriorated into conversations with people that I knew would have even stronger opinions then me about the subject. During some of the latter conversations I found myself verbally trying to work out my guilt by making weak guesstimates on her actions. Hmmmm, can you say hypocrite?  Only one person I talked to about the situation knows this friend, but if any of the others ever met her they would clearly have strong opinions of her based on my information.  So as Don Miguel Ruiz states, I used the word against her, and in turn against myself.  

So how do I feel? I don’t know? I feel bad about talking about her but I still don’t understand or agree with her.  I guess the impeccable thing to do would have been to assist her in finding a home for the dog without making judgments or detailing her story to the extent that I did. This would have been easier if I had kept in mind that we are all trying to do the best we can in any given circumstance. So I guess that is my lesson, which goes to show I still have a loooong way to go in getting this impeccability thing down.

Liz: The Whole Truth

I've often categorized myself inwardly as a coward when it comes to conflict.  Friends and family would laugh at this because I do have strong opinions coupled with a too-quick temper inherited from the Dutch on my father's side.  But deep down, I want everybody to like me.  I want to say things that people agree with so that conversation flows easily.  As a minister, this becomes especially tricky from the pulpit, because, with so many hearers there is bound to be someone who doesn't like what you've got to say.  But err on the side of caution and the message becomes watered down, irrelevant, and boring.   There is nothing wishy-washy about the Bible.  Yet for every individual who reads it the Spirit makes possible a new understanding--this is why it is called the Living Word.  And why it is so powerfully unifying and divisive all at the same time.

As a person with strong opinions who is also a pastor, I find disagreements on Biblical interpretation, politics, and 'hot-button' issues difficult to navigate in a diplomatic way.  I desire to be authentic but to also be able to minister to those who disagree with me.  It is a fine line to walk.

I recently had an interview for a job with a committee.  At one point I was asked to put in writing how I feel about a divisive issue, and knew that my response would be read and considered by this group.  I knew also that at least some, and probably the majority, would disagree with my views.  The small person inside me who wants to be liked was in turmoil.  I considered pretending I didn't understand the question.  I considered saying I was undecided.  I considered skipping town. I considered concocting some 'middle of the road' answer that would please everyone, or telling them only a piece of the truth, stopping just short of saying the actual words.  I considered telling them I'd found another position.  But then this impeccable business came into my mind, and I knew it was only right to tell the truth, the whole truth, even though it meant the probable loss of the job opportunity.

So I answered:  honestly and fully.  And I didn't get the job.  And I am really just fine with that.  But the best part came afterward.  A few days later I was approached by a member of the committee, who told me he felt the same as I did about this issue but has felt nervous about sharing it openly.  He said that my words really helped him understand his own feelings and gave him courage to express them in the presence of God and his neighbors.  Because I was so concerned about how I would be affected, it hadn't occured to me that my words spoken in truth might help another. 

I learned from this that the rewards of our impeccable speech are not always for ourselves (in fact they may cause suffering or loss), but truth spoken with kindness and firmness can lift others up, bolster their faith, and offer encouragement where none has been before.

Laila: Here, There, Everywhere

As a result of focusing more on my words and thoughts, I have begun to live more in the “now”, which I have strived for in the past without great success. My mind always seemed to be going a mile a minute and I found it was hard to sit back and enjoy the moment because I was either anticipating the next moment, or worrying about a past moment.  Slowing down has become more natural, because mentally I have to slow down in order to pay attention to my words. For the most part, I am no longer on auto pilot when responding to someone because I am a lot more aware of what I am saying (that’s not to say the thinking part doesn’t try and sabotage my impeccable words, good thing I have some self-control).

This slowing down process has also helped me to remain more peaceful throughout the day. I'm not saying that something couldn't set me off down the path of crazy lunatic at any moment, but I am more mindful of choices I make to try and keep traveling down the calmer road. (Although “crazy lunatic” is really fun to say, especially if you pretend to have a french accent).

I am more selective with whom I choose to spend my free time with as well. Whether it’s on the phone or in person, my goal is to be completely present – which I can do if I set limits and/or boundaries. The aforementioned are skills I have always struggled with in the past, ultimately leading to my energy being zapped and my own frustration at putting myself in a position for that to happen.  However, as I put the first agreement adage of honoring myself  into practice more and more, I find it is a lot easier for me to now say “I have to go” and to say it impeccably with love.  

And on that note – I have to go  J

Liz: The Corporate White Lie

I have been really struck by Laila's 'white lie' post.  When I monitor my own interactions I notice that the opportunity to be untruthful presents itself at every turn.  And what's more, it is really easy to pull it off! It is so easy, that I would guess it has become habit for many us.  Just today I have already stopped myself a couple of times getting ready to bend the truth for no particular reason.  

I doubt I'm the only one greasing the social wheels unnecessarily with these lies. If I'm right, that's a lot of deception floating around.  It can't be good for our collective consciousness.

The plot thickens as we consider not only the white lies we tell others but also the white lies we allow ourselves to believe.  Those are the more insidious and take many forms.  This week I am thinking about our corporate lies, the untruths we follow around like a nation full of lost puppies.  Our mob mood revolves around our small attention span, and we are blown like the wind by the media, fueled by self-centeredness and fear.

For example, I was recently angered by a report that a public personality had said something cruel and thoughtless about the situation in Japan.  But it only took a couple of minutes' research to discover that what that person had said was not nearly as incendiary as the critics made it out to be.  I am grateful for the time I spent getting to the impeccable truth of the matter because it freed me from the burden of mis-directed anger.

Being impeccable with our words means not only telling the truth to others but also seeking the truth in a spirit of love.   Perhaps Paul said it best to the Corinthians, "Love... does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth." 

Laila: Oh the tangled web we weave...

When I searched on "white lie" on the super information highway, I found two interesting definitions:

n. An often trivial, diplomatic or well-intentioned untruth.

      and

 n : an unimportant lie (especially one told to be tactful or polite)

I love the last one, an "unimportant" lie  : )   Which leads us to our tale.....


Sunday night I sat stressing a little thinking about my Monday and realized I had completely over-extended myself.  The one factor that would alleviate that internal twinge would be to reschedule my daughters swim lessons. I had booked her for a weeks worth of lessons, and realized it would work out much better to switch her to a 5 week, once a week program instead. But before I made the call, I worried about coming across as a flakey, unorganized mom, so I tried to think of an "unimportant" lie to tell, something to put the blame on instead of myself.  Now right there I was already being unimpeccable with my word, I was using it against myself by using the label flakey and the word blame.

As I dialed the number I thought that telling him she was sick was perfect, no one wants a sick kid in  the pool. Plus when a kid is sick you really don't know how long it might last, so I was already getting out of it if he said she could start the next day.  But as soon as the person on the other end answered I blurted out "I've over-extended myself tomorrow and I need to switch my daughters lesson to another time!"  And this relief just washed through me and I actually smiled. The lesson was switched, no problem, and I had a still busy but very manageable Monday.

I'd like to think that the first agreement is getting deep seeded in my psyche so that it is making it impossible for me to tell a lie, however I think there was a little fear thrown in there of possibly being discovered. What if the swim instructor said to Gabby "Glad you are feeling better" - whether Gabby exposed me with her blatant honesty or I exposed myself by turning that nice shade of red some people do when caught in a lie, ultimately I would have felt bad about not being truthful (and what a great example to set).  So I am encouraged that I am able to stop and think about my actions and analyze the impeccability of my word before I throw it out there - something I probably wouldn't have done even a month ago.

Liz: Just Say Thanks (Or, how to freak out a Southern woman)

Want to strike fear in the heart of a born-and-bred Southern woman?  Want to see her palms get sweaty, and her face flush in suppressed anguish?  If you're looking to cause a minor freak-out of the feminine kind in the shadow of the Magnolia tree, I've got your answer.  Give her a compliment.  It doesn't have to be much:  "love you dress!"  "you look beautiful!"  "nice job on that presentation."  Whatever you say, if it lifts up a positive aspect of her appearance, personality, or work ethic, she is bound to go temporarily insane in her efforts to prove you wrong.

I observe this in Southern women because I live in the South, but perhaps it's more universal and involves all women.  However widespread, it needs to stop.  Women seem obsessed with putting themselves down and refusing compliments, even when well deserved.   If you don't believe me, call up a woman you know and tell her she's beautiful, inside and out.  Then sit back and listen to the excuses, the attempts to turn the conversation to something else, the awkward stammering.  Or next time you're in a friend's house, mention how much you like what they've done with the place and then listen to all the things she tells you are wrong, how messy it is, how long it took to fix and the mistakes they made doing it.  I have a number of friends whose homes are nearly always impeccably clean, yet they will apologize for the mess when I come to visit.

Why do we do this to ourselves?  Perhaps it is a fear of appearing arrogant if we are positive about what we are doing. Perhaps we don't want to hurt the feelings of others, or worse: we are worried that the glare from our brilliance will blind our acquaintances.  Maybe we've been taught by our religions that humility is the greatest gift of the Spirit, and we've internalized that so completely that it has turned to self-depracation.

The constant stream of chatter in which we engage to avoid receiving a compliment is not impeccable speech.  I don't mean that we should bend to flattery; it is important to discern between the two. But using words to put ourselves down, for whatever reason, is hurtful to self and those who want to be close to us.  We need not fear being pleased, even happy, with how we are doing, how we look, the choices we've made.

So today I dare you to look in the mirror and say something nice to yourself.  Go on, no one will be there but the person who needs to hear it most of all.

Laila: Just the facts ma'am

As Liz stated in her original post about this impeccable joint venture, there are 4 agreements in the book. The foundation of all being the first one, Be Impeccable with your Words, and the one we are currently trying to attempt. But I notcie the other 3 sneaking in here and there and wonder how my "mastering" the foundation will affect my reaction to those other 3 in the future. For example.....

Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend and I was telling her about a mutual acquaintance and her situation. I didn't know the full details of the situation, so I said "Just speculating here, but maybe it is because of her father running off with that sad looking circus clown and leaving her mother alone with 6 kids".  Actually that's not what I said, it was a lot less colorful, BUT, just the word "speculate" made me reflect later on that maybe I could have had the conversation differently. It wasn't my place to say the clown was sad, he was just drawn that way.  Speculating is assuming in one way or another, and by using my words to speculate I am in a sense spreading gossip. It wasn't anything malicious, but ultimately it was putting thoughts into my friends head that weren't facts.

So I guess by sticking to what I know, the facts, when I speak, it will make it easier for me to uphold the impeccable word. But these thoughts are still going to pop into my mind, so how do I handle that? I could just pause before saying anything, double check my words before letting them come out. Of course there might be some awkward silence, which I could always fill with humming like the muzak they play when you are on hold. - that wouldn't be weird at all, unlike choosing the sad clown versus the pie throwing happy one.

Liz: What does Impeccable mean, exactly?

Since we've started this blog I've had several people ask me what exactly it means to be impeccable with your word.  I find myself asking this question myself throughout the day.  Does it mean always telling the truth?  Always being 'nice'?  Are swear words completely un-impeccable?   This weekend a friend suggested we devote a little bit of time considering this question. 

It is helpful to go back to Ruiz's own words on the First Agreement, which is "Be Impeccable With Your Word."   Ruiz explains that the word "impeccable" means "without sin," from the root word in Latin 'pecatus.'  Ruiz defines sin as anything a person uses or says against him or herself.  He writes, "Being impeccable with your word is not using the word against yourself....When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions but you do not judge or blame yourself." 

On the way back from a concert in Atlanta this weekend my friend and I were chatting about all kinds of things and having a  great time.  She is the type of friend you can be 'real' with; you can say anything. Then we got on the subject of whether we will live in our city for the rest of our lives or whether we want to move.  I started in on the ways our city disappoint me, on the school system problems, the neighborhood we live in, the shortfalls of our house.  I managed to talk myself into a serious slump and by the end of the conversation was ready to put our house on the market and move....move ANYWHERE just to get out of town!

This is an example of the power our words can hold, and how I was un-impeccable with my speech when complaining about our city.  My speech was not mean-spirited, nor was I saying anything bad about myself or another person.  But through complaining about our circumstances and speaking aloud so many negative feelings I ended up hurting myself.  It follows then, that by Ruiz's definition, my words of complaint were sinful.  When we speak ill of another person, situation, or place we ultimately sin against ourselves. 

Jesus says, "Love your neighbor as yourself."  We sometimes give credence to the neighbor part, but often continue to destroy ourselves with no remorse, and we don't even realize it!  The Gospel also declares a message of grace and forgiveness, so that I don't need to wallow in guilt for my complaining words.  As Ruiz says, we can take responsibility for our words but there is no need for judgement or blame.

Ruiz says that words are extremely powerful and can be used to create or destroy.  He uses Hitler as an example of a man who drove a nation to war and genocide on the power of his words.  With such power at our disposal we must choose our words impeccably lest we destroy others and ourselves.  We can choose this very moment to create beauty and love simply by speaking a positive word.

Laila: The sound of silence

Have you ever noticed before you embark on any kind of detox, whether it be food or meds or alcohol you are always encouraged to make the first few days similar to a spa retreat. Cut down on any stressful situations or noises. Listen to beautiful music, take a therapeutic bath with candles. Restrict interactions to ones that promote peace and happiness. Hmmm, is your success drastically altered if you can't do that in the beginning?  I never have a quiet home, never. All 3 of the other occupants are noisy unless they are asleep. I have found when I wake up before any of them I can start my morning in the impeccable mind set - I am serene and smiley and everything in life is good. I can manage to keep that feeling for a little while after they are up, but then the noise starts and it's harder to focus on being impeccable. And I know that noise is part of life, that it is normal, which is why following the four agreements can be such a hard undertaking.  I'm not spending a year at some yoga retreat where I can be mindful every second of the day of my breathing, my eating, my thoughts and words. I am living a normal life with kids, a husband, pets, stuff and noise. Real life.

Yesterday I had a truly unimpeccable day, thoughts and words alike. Fortunately I was aware of what was going on and was able to stop myself, but it was haaaard. And when I reflected on those unimpeccable situations later, I determined that most were due to me putting myself into them and then getting frustrated at my choices - thereby verbally lashing out at whoever might be around. So it was a lesson in taking responsibility for my own actions. Good lesson, one that dawned on me at 10 p.m. last night when everyone was alseep and I could sit with it in silence......

Liz: Impeccable Humor (part Deux)

What happens to the relationship built on sarcasm if you’re trying to be impeccable with your word?  Sarcasm is a form of humor I’ve come to rely on to ‘grease the social wheels’ so to speak.  But I notice that more often than not sarcasm is humor at someone else’s expense.  That does not feel impeccable.

Recently I’ve performed a couple of small gigs as an amateur stand up comedian.  Because I’m new to doing comedy, I’ve been listening to the comedy channels on XM radio to get a feel for the flow of a good comedy routine—what I like and what I don’t.  Which jokes kill and which jokes fall flat.  I notice that a lot of comedians use sarcasm to make fun of other people and themselves.  But some are able to find the ridiculous in ordinary situations without bringing any specific person down.  The latter is the type of humor that I think is the most sophisticated and the kind I’d like to do.  But it is hard.  While gathering material it was really tempting to just fall into cheap shots at easy targets.

I don’t want to become boring and un-funny because I’m trying to be impeccable with my word.  If I’m being completely honest, part of me would rather abandon the effort at truthful and beautiful speech than lose the ability to be humorous.  Funny is how I survive awkward social situations…well, ANY social situation really.  I like to laugh, and I like to get people laughing.  It is a complete and total rush to come up with that perfect one-liner that leaves your buddies laughing so hard they cry.  And if I wasn’t able to poke fun about the crazy, wonderful, awful, scary things kids do, I’m pretty sure I would have gone insane from the pressure of being a mom by now. 

But getting into darker territory, I often use humor to deal with a situation when someone hurts my feelings, or when I feel insecure.  Those are the times when I’m most likely to label people.  I knew this had gone too far when I was talking to a friend about a neighbor yesterday and I could only remember the label I’d given her, not her real name!   I realize that the fact that I don’t like her is reinforced every time I call her by that name, which isn’t kind or fair to her.

I remember back to Sewanee days, when I was surrounded by a group of highly intelligent and creative friends.  We could spend hours coming up with funny plays on words, re-writing song lyrics, or making up wacky one-act plays about anything and everything.  Recently, a group of us met for a class reunion for the weekend, and I think we laughed the entire time.  It felt so good, and it wasn’t mean-spirited at all.  So there is hope:  it’s possible to laugh hysterically without being cruel.

For now, my way of turning humor into positive speech which creates rather than tears down will be to consider whether I’d say it in front of my kids.  My kids both have the ability to crack me up and get me laughing.  And they do it all without sarcasm or making fun of others.